Feelings of Failure

Recently I mentioned to a few different people how this whole situation leaves me feeling like such a failure. They all responded along the lines of “but you know you’re not, don’t you?”. And thats the catch. Sure I can logically accept that I’m not failing at Uni (I don’t quite know how I’m getting good grades but I am!), I can bake things and make things and successfully carry out tasks etc – so I guess on those standards I’m not a failure. But I still feel like one, and having people respond quickly with “but you’re not”, instead of helping reduce those feelings, ends up devaluing my experience….which then leaves me feeling like I’m failing at feeling correctly too!

The thing with infertility and going through IVF is, it eats away at your self esteem, slowly and insidiously. And piles on disappointment after disappointment. So I’m not just feeling one failure – the dramatic end to our last cycle, or the fact that I now know I won’t have children. Its an accumulation of failures. It started about 5 years ago when the surgeon told us we’d need to through IVF to get children. Then was added to…Chemical pregnancies, Miscarriages, Negative results, cancelled cycles, need for more surgery, dropping egg reserves etc etc. And in amongst all of that you question yourself…what could I have done differently, what did I do wrong, how can I fix it? And it all just becomes one big Head F@$k.

Current society raises us with idea that if you work hard at something you’ll achieve your goal. And good things happen to good people. (I’m a sociology student, you’ll have to accept my sociological reckons LOL). These are so prevalent that they’re ingrained in us from a young age. Which makes it really hard to accept that sometimes no matter how hard you try, and everything you do, you might just miss out on getting the ending your hearts been set on. And as for the concept that good things happen to good people – well, we all know thats a load of crock don’t we….the number of wonderful people who do lots from their community who get hit with illness, death or misfortune etc shows that that’s just not the case. Sometimes bad sh!t just happens.

So somehow in amongst everything else I need to process, I need to find a way to learn to believe that I’m actually not a failure.

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11 thoughts on “Feelings of Failure

  1. It’s not easy being told that pretty much what your sole purpose of being a woman is to do, can’t happen. I can’t totally see where you’re coming from as I have felt that way too. If my body would just work like it was intended to do everything would be right in the world… but it doesn’t so I am constantly fighting a sense of failure even though I am, for all intensive purposes, doing just fine in all the other aspects of my life. That one failure is a constant in my mind. Sending love ❤

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  2. It’s the one thing you can’t control. Like you, I am a perfectionist, I plan everything and it has to go according to plan. Rewind 3 years and that went to shit (sorry for the language, there’s no better word to describe). My perfectly planned life was scattered and dreams shattered. You can always work harder, study harder, practice more..but this one thing of making a baby is out of your control and I hate it. I hate that for some it’s accidental and that we have to be de-humanized and poked and prodded, and spent thousands of dollars..it’s just not fair. It’s my biggest failure to not know what it feels to see 2 lines on a test, be able to conceive and know what it’s like to hold my hands over my belly and know there is another life in me.

    But, as non-thinkable as this is right now. And I have only had 2 failed IVFs, and before going in I never would have considered donor eggs, now if that would be my only option, I probably would. So many you don’t have to live child-free..

    I pray it all works out for you and the hopeful in me prays you get one of those miracle spontaneous BFP that I read on so many blogs and forums, hoping one day that would’ve me.

    xxx

    P.s. If I may ask, what are your fertility complications?

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    • I think shit is sometimes the only word able to describe this who situation. Yes, not being in control makes this all very difficult to cope with.
      Fingers crossed you get your happy ending soon.
      There won’t be a miraculous BFP for us – they thought I had endo, so did a laparoscopy to find I didn’t have endo, but my tubes were so damaged due to an infection when I was younger we needed IVF, and part way through fertility treatment I had to have my tubes fully removed as they were filled with fluid which was causing more problems.

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  3. I know that feeling of failure. It’s totally toxic. No matter how logically I try to look at things going on for me, that feeling is always wedged in somewhere.
    To go through all that you’ve gone through makes you an extraordinary person. I don’t think many people would have shown the strength and courage that you have shown. It may be zero comfort but hopefully one day you’ll look back and see what an exceptionally wonderful person you are. I’m so sorry that you feel this way.

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  4. I think I know what you mean. Fertility is just not one of those things that you can work hard for and get a result. Like it’s an achievement to get pregnant as such. Not to say that if I did, I wouldn’t be proud of what I sacrificed to get there, but I hate that there’s the perception out there that you just have to find the ‘right’ thing to do or you just have to ‘hang in there’ or that you just have to go through the shit and it’s all going to be a happy ending. Nothing is guaranteed. Infertility is such a complex and tricky creature. Even science itself cannot be 100% trusted in this process. That’s one thing I wish people could understand. A+B does not alway = C. And it just adds to that feeling of helplessness and failure when people don’t see that.

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