Recently I mentioned to a few different people how this whole situation leaves me feeling like such a failure. They all responded along the lines of “but you know you’re not, don’t you?”. And thats the catch. Sure I can logically accept that I’m not failing at Uni (I don’t quite know how I’m getting good grades but I am!), I can bake things and make things and successfully carry out tasks etc – so I guess on those standards I’m not a failure. But I still feel like one, and having people respond quickly with “but you’re not”, instead of helping reduce those feelings, ends up devaluing my experience….which then leaves me feeling like I’m failing at feeling correctly too!
The thing with infertility and going through IVF is, it eats away at your self esteem, slowly and insidiously. And piles on disappointment after disappointment. So I’m not just feeling one failure – the dramatic end to our last cycle, or the fact that I now know I won’t have children. Its an accumulation of failures. It started about 5 years ago when the surgeon told us we’d need to through IVF to get children. Then was added to…Chemical pregnancies, Miscarriages, Negative results, cancelled cycles, need for more surgery, dropping egg reserves etc etc. And in amongst all of that you question yourself…what could I have done differently, what did I do wrong, how can I fix it? And it all just becomes one big Head F@$k.
Current society raises us with idea that if you work hard at something you’ll achieve your goal. And good things happen to good people. (I’m a sociology student, you’ll have to accept my sociological reckons LOL). These are so prevalent that they’re ingrained in us from a young age. Which makes it really hard to accept that sometimes no matter how hard you try, and everything you do, you might just miss out on getting the ending your hearts been set on. And as for the concept that good things happen to good people – well, we all know thats a load of crock don’t we….the number of wonderful people who do lots from their community who get hit with illness, death or misfortune etc shows that that’s just not the case. Sometimes bad sh!t just happens.
So somehow in amongst everything else I need to process, I need to find a way to learn to believe that I’m actually not a failure.