In the infertility community we often hope for each other get miracles – so we can defy the odds, or not need to the next step of investigation or treatment, or just so we can get rid of each others pain as much as we can.
And I think deep down (or not so deep) we all hope we might be one of the lucky recipients of a miracle.
Sometime during our second year of treatment, I think between our 4th & 5th FET (I could look the specifics up, but I don’t really want to go reading through that file just now!), we had a cycle cancelled due to what looked like a cyst. But further scans made the Dr suspicious it was a hydrosalpinx – fluid in the Fallopian tubes. This can bad for getting pregnant, as the fluid is generally toxic, left over from an infection, and it can dribble into the uterus and prevent implantation etc. So surgery was scheduled, to remove the affected tube & probably the other tube too (if you have it in one it can be likely the other will have it too, or get it soon), as it made sense while they were in there and potentially prevent a 3rd surgery later. On the one hand this was hopeful, but on the other it was terrifying. In some ways this seemed like the simple answer – obviously this must be the issue that was preventing our success, my tubes were so badly damaged we needed IVF anyway, so better to get rid of something that was hindering rather than helping right? But at the same time, removing both tubes stole any hope (however minuscule) or us getting a miracle.
Obviously, there were lots of feels to deal with about this – most of which I suspect I probably haven’t fully dealt with. Knowing you physically can not get pregnant without the help of specialists is a really hard hand to be dealt.
But despite all this, logically knowing there is no way I could get a miracle now, sometimes my brain makes up stories. Like this week, with the arrival of my period, but a period thats being all weird & different & not like what I’ve experienced in the past. Despite the fact this isn’t my first period after our last IVF cycle, & despite all other manner of logistically impossible things. Still, my brain & heart cling tightly to what will never be, hoping that somehow some way, maybe I’ll have defied science.
Of course after my brain suggesting stories like this comes the sudden fall back into crushing reality.