Home (not so) Sweet Home

{Content Warning: Miscarriage}

We bought out current house about the time we started TTC – for me at least, this place had the things I wanted for a family home, and is in quite a family friendly neighbourhood. We always had a dream of moving to another suburb, preferably before the kids went to school, because of the community feel there, close to friends & it was a school we’d have liked our kids to be at. But we were realistic that we might not get there quite in time for them starting school due to finances. Then as it took more time to get pregnant I started adjusting my plans…maybe they’d start at the school closer to us and then could move later when we could afford to move. This was ok, I could cope with adjusting our dream – didn’t really matter exactly where we lived if we had kids, as long as we had a happy family…..

Of course the longer we stayed here, the more memories this house holds. Sometimes I’ll go to the toilet & have flashbacks to our first miscarriage…no one warned me how (physically) traumatic that could be!  The couch holds many tears, and has been my recovery space post medical procedures, where I’ve curled up with a book & chocolate trying to forget the phone call received earlier. The desk I study at is where I was when I got the call with our first actually positive test, its also where I was when I got the call in our 2nd pregnancy to say my HCG levels were still rising & so the bleeding was just normal early pregnancy bleeding. The garden is where our niblings have played together, & I’ve imagined our children running there with their cousins in the future. The apple tree was planted with the idea of kids being able to pick apples straight from the tree…….everywhere something reminds me of the struggles we’ve been through & the futures we’ve dreamed of.

As part of a ‘what ever happens’ plan, we’d started talking about moving (house prices have changed, so we’re in a position that should allow us to get a slightly more expensive house) and now that we’re facing a life without children, I really need a new start. Somewhere that doesn’t have all the memories and hopes stored in it. But of course, nothing much excites me at the moment so where to move to? We keep looking at the suburb we’d always planned to move to – it’s a lovely little community near the beach, one of my closest friend lives there & we have some family there. But the problem with a village like community – it’s family focused. I can’t figure out if being part of a community like this will rub in the fact we don’t have children more, or if the community will take us in, help me feel less lonely & therefore be somewhat healing? But also just moving to another house in another suburb, wouldn’t really be changing our lives, just our location. If we’re able to buy somewhere cheaper, gain some financial freedom then we’d be able to do more fun things to help distract us & create a new life. But I also wonder if we should be looking for something very different – such as an apartment, in a less family focussed neighbourhood.

They say you shouldn’t make big decisions while you’re grieving, but what do you do when you need to make a decision to help cope with the grieving? To create a new beginning?

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7 thoughts on “Home (not so) Sweet Home

  1. My heart goes out to you. It’s so fucking unfair.

    Whatever you do it sounds like you really need a change. I guess after any move inevitably you’ll panic and wonder if it was the right decision but it’ll be impossible to know straight away. Maybe follow your instincts and know that any decision you make was the right decision for you at the time. Living by the beach sounds so peaceful and lovely.

    I know what you mean about parts of the house reminding you of past traumas. I’m so sorry. X

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  2. I’m so sorry about the miscarriage. We, too, bought a house around the time we started trying. The whole time we lived in the house we were trying. We sold the house a year and a half ago and we haven’t looked back. It’s nice not having to do chores such as mowing the lawn and cleaning spare rooms/nursery that never got used. I wasn’t the type that set up a necessary before it happened. I’m glad I didn’t because it would’ve been super painful. I hear you about the number of tears you cried on the couch/in the house. We got rid of our old couch. Sometimes a new start is all we need.

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  3. I’ve never had a miscarriage. However, my best friend just did. It was horrible. I had never been close to someone who had misscarried before. How on earth had I not heard more detail of how incredibly horrible, painful and bloody miscarriages are!?! I am on my phone right now, but I want to talk more about childlessness when I am at a proper computer. My heart goes out to you. The short answer is: the community will enrich your life more than it reminds you of what you dont have.

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  4. I think the suburb near the beach where you have family and your close friend sounds like a place where you could be happy. I could also see the appeal of an apartment in a non kid friendly area though since you have that option now. Try to imagine where you could be happy in the long run as you get older. What is your gut feeling? Hoping you will find a lovely place to create new happier memories.

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    • The suburb near the beach had the potential to be just as hard or worse too though, tight knit communities can be hard to break into, especially when you don’t have kids as you don’t have all the incidental meetings at the park or school gate.
      I’ve never been able to think of a house as a “rest of our life” choice, so I struggle to choose a place based on where I’d like to grow old…and right now growing old is so far out of my thinking capabilities, I’m still in survival mode. I’m hoping if we just keep looking at options one will jump out as the place we want to be.

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    • Yes looking for the ‘next big thing’ is definitely part of it. I have been ready to move house for a while – I’ve been in the current place longer than anywhere else (other than when I was growing up!), but I do feel that something different, a bit of a new beginning to help transition might be good.

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