Getting Caught Out

I really hope that someday, I’ll be able to write about the good…but for now you’re just getting the bad & the ugly….

Over the weekend I was thinking to myself about all the people who say it gets easier with time, that I won’t always feel as bad as I do now. I was cynical and wary…..nothing felt to be changing or getting better, I couldn’t see any way out. “Maybe they just say that ‘cos it’d be cruel to tell someone this is their lot”, I thought to myself. And this was all reinforced, when Saturday afternoon I was picking up some bits from the supermarket and a pregnant lady walked past me…I don’t know her, we didn’t interact, didn’t even make eye contact. But next thing I found myself struggling to catch my breath, and not far off being a soggy mess on the floor of one of the aisles (hopefully the chocolate aisle not the nappy aisle!). I managed to hold it together til I got home, the single tear that escaped when I made it to the car and the carby snack I grabbed on the way through checkout the only sign of my battle.

Then yesterday on my way to class, I thought maybe just maybe this burden of grief is ever so slightly lighter, I’d managed to concentrate just a little better and get some study done. It’s only just over 2mths since that day, so maybe for me that’s the length of time I need for full grieving, maybe now things are going to improve a little, I’ll take even the tiniest lift as I know it’ll help me get through another week. Maybe everyone is right, maybe my weekend meltdown was just PMS, those hormone gremlins taking over my head yet again.

Not long after I got home last night, I checked my emails…..I read the first line of an email from a family member…”We’re expecting #3″…..I couldn’t read the rest, I handed the tablet to my husband as I crumpled, crying uncontrollably, bent over as if in physical pain. He pulled me up, held me tight, stopped me from falling as by now my legs were shaking and I was crying so hard my teeth were chattering. A while later when I’d calmed down, he tucked me up in the couch with a heat pack (by now PMS had turned into cramps, such fun, good timing!). I was a soggy mess for most of the evening, & gave into self-medicating with chocolate (so hard to break the emotion eating cycle when you’re so low and haven’t developed any other coping mechanisms yet). Poor man, I don’t think he’s ever seen me like that before, I don’t think I’ve ever seen me like that before.

And just like that, the vague hope that maybe things will get easier is dashed, I’m back to wanting to hide completely from the world, struggling to concentrate or make simple decisions. The tiny thread that was holding my heart together has broken yet again, and if I’m honest it wasn’t even a bittersweet reaction I was having, there was no sweet in it at all. Logically I know I’m happy/pleased for them, by right now my head and heart isn’t able to feel anything good for them (though I don’t feel anything bad about them either….I can only feel for us at the moment)

That’s the thing with this place of grieving….you never know what’s going to catch you out.

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13 thoughts on “Getting Caught Out

  1. I feel those triggers, too. You’re not alone. When the POTUS announced that his DIL is pregnant on his Twitter page, that really got to me. DIL is my age. Then, I see my neighbors moving out. I guess i hadnt seen her in months because I think she was beginning to show. They talked about how they are moving into a two bedroom from their one bedroom. They didn’t come out and say it, but I knew. And I, too, don’t really go out anymore. I don’t like going to public places like the grocery store. I’ll wait to go grocery shopping until 9:00 at night so hopefully I won’t run into pregnant people or newborns. And I’m dreading family reunions and weddings for the reason you describe above. My work will host family friendly events. Family friendly means people with young kids. That descriptor excludes childless and childfree. I’m expected to go and I have three events I have to go to on the weekends in the upcoming month – not really looking forward to seeing pregnant people and people with children my children would be if it worked out starting October 2012. Hugs.

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  2. I can very well empathize with you. My hands run through kids clothes whenever I pass by the kids clothing section. We can never ‘overcome’ infertility.
    You are blessed with understanding partner.
    Love.

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  3. Oh mate. This is awful. 😦

    Eco Feminist is right, it doesn’t necessarily get easier. We just become used to dealing with shite.

    Ellan Paige and I were writing about this on the bottom of one of her blog posts. I said to her some days are fine and you think ‘Look at me! I’m normal!’ and other days it’s just utter utter despair.

    I told her about a time I’d had a meltdown in a shop. Our last round had failed and my husband took me shopping to cheer me up. I walked around the shops, couldn’t find anything then walked into about a million pregnant women on the way out. I could feel the panic start to rise and knew I was going to lose it. I told Rob we had to get to the car and on the way to the car park walked into another million toddlers and gloating mums. We even tried to get into a lift but it was too full of prams – you couldn’t make it up. Ended up having a complete and utter panic attack on the stairs of the multi-story and Rob had to literally drag me to the car. It was awful. A mixture of sheer loathing, frustrating, misery and aching grief.

    I said to Ellan the same to you; I know you know exactly what I mean. And it seems that it’s always the very worst time that you get someone else’s ‘great news’.

    The grief comes in waves and you should definitely let them wash over you now and again. If chocolate helps, eat it. Sending so much love and wish I could help more. x

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  4. im sorry. you sound like me. everything is a trigger. constantly asking why not me? why cant i feel this? i really hope soon you will be able to be that pregnant bellied lady in the grocery store so full of glee and contentment. but i realized that only when you do fall pregnant, you will be unlike the rest of the oblivious fertile women population, you will always pass the lady who you notice looks somewhat saddened..the same look you used to have and you will feel for her, becasue you know what she feels like and what she is going through. xxx

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      • i know you said in previous blogs it was the last IVF. but i know of people that travel abroad to do the treatment, maybe it will cost cheaper, and you can plan a holiday around it? to give at least another go. its not my place to say, especially given that i have yet to conceive and feel hopeless everyday, but you know you can achieve fertilization and implantation, so that dream can still come.. xxx

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      • yes and by last IVF I meant last, a tough decision but we have reached the end of our resources (financially & emotionally). Also our last cycle we didn’t achieve any fertilisation.
        And a side note – treatment outside of NZ is generally more expensive, due to having to get there.

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