Brains can be silly.

Just the other day I was thinking to myself, maybe this is getting slightly easier….I should have known was would follow, as every time I think that, it seems to get harder to cope again. The day I thought this I then saw online that it was International Bereaved Mother’s Day and my eyes leaked a bit…then I decided to make things worse by having a look at Facebook (I tend to avoid this these days as generally when I log on I see something that annoys/upsets me) and looked at photos some friends had posted of their babies….dumb move really!

Then the other night as I lay in bed hoping to fall asleep, I started mulling things over (again) and wishing I could have done numerous things differently, all those food/drink/supplement choices I should or shouldn’t have had…..the thoughts were all going crazy & I was getting more awake instead of sleepy, until in the end I screamed (silently in my head because my husband was sleeping peacefully next to me) I DID NOTHING WRONG. Of course this didn’t stop the thoughts completely, but it paused them a bit before the voices started quietly arguing again….eventually though I managed to fall asleep….

Except, the next morning I saw an article online about the negative impacts of artificial sweeteners and caffeine….and it read so conclusively (even though I admit I didn’t go off and check the studies/sources cited) that yet again, I was back regretting my consumption of coffee (even though I mostly consumed decade!)…left me thinking that maybe the reason the last cycle failed so spectacularly was because of the coffee I drank in the couple of months beforehand (decafe didn’t seem to have made a difference in all the other cycles, & the specialist had said if having a coffee a day helped manage stress then it was probably better to have it than not…) so I was in a bugger it mood, I’ll drink the coffee….but what if that was what fucked that cycle up? what if it was my fault? I know I’ll never know, but I now just really wish I could have another go…one more cycle, another chance to hopefully have perfect health (i.e. meet all my standards about food, drink, supplements, exercise, weight) this time & hopefully get a better result.

Because I really don’t know how to reconcile all the things I didn’t do, or could have done better with this outcome……

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3 thoughts on “Brains can be silly.

  1. Interesting about International Bereaved Mother’s Day – never heard of that before. Sorry for all the triggers. 😦 I have no answers, either, on how to cope with the main them of your post “coulda, woulda, shoulda.” I’m sending you big hugs from across the Pacific.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My brain also drives me crazy at times about things I did or didn’t do which could be the reason I don’t have a child by now. So I can imagine how hard it must be once you’ve reached the end of your journey and think back and wonder if anything might have made a difference. But you are right, keep telling yourself you did nothing wrong because that’s the truth! You gave it your best shot. There are lots of couples who do everything right and still don’t end up with a baby. Sometimes I think it’s amazing that babies get born at all! There is so much that needs to line up and be perfect in order for it to work.

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