Where does Hope hide?

Hope is a funny thing, I don’t think any of us would go through as much fertility treatment as we do, if we didn’t have some glimmer of hope to hold on to. But when you decide to stop fertility treatment where does hope go? As far as I can tell the decision to stop is more complicated than just losing all hope. Being hopeful definitely becomes very difficult.

Often in the early days I scoured the internet for people’s success stories, reading about someone else’s miracle helped me feel hopeful……but as time went by, this hope tended to be replaced with envy. Envious of others success, envious of others BFP, envious of people getting natural BFPs, envious of people who didn’t need as many rounds of IVF, envious of others having more eggs, better eggs, less procedures, less side effects…..

And now that we’ve stopped fertility treatment….envious of those who are still going through treatment, envious of those who shill have hope. 

Over the weekend we were talking with people we know, who are embarking on a trip overseas for a donor egg cycle. They told us their plans, the process, the details, the sightseeing they’re going to fit in too. And through it all shone their hope. It was exciting and hopeful, I felt hopeful. 

And then I remembered…..we’re not sharing this process with them…..it’s not our hope.

That sneaky feeling of hope hadn’t gone anywhere….it was hiding all along…

Now I need to tuck it away again, and figure out how to be hopeful for others without feeling it for ourselves.

PS. Please don’t go suggesting we try donor eggs or any other options – those options aren’t for us.


6 thoughts on “Where does Hope hide?

  1. In relation to your question on where the hope goes I would imagine that the hope just changes direction. The hope is there but it is for a different goal. The hope that even though you are done with infertility treatments, that there is still a good life to look forward to. And hope that the pain will lesson and that you will come out the other side and be able to be happy and have a good life, different to what you had initially dreamt of but still worthwhile.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I related a lot to this post. I also hate having to explain why donor eggs are not right for my situation either.

    When I was pregnant, I’d read all the success stories, but after my son passed away at 18 weeks, I read all the ones about coping with miscarriage. It’s strange how feelings change.

    I hope you find your way. I’m still searching for mine.


    • Yeah do many contributing factors to making those decisions, and only the people making the decision really know what’s best.
      Sorry you lost your son, it so unfair.
      Still searching also, we’ll find our way somewhere along the way xo

      Liked by 1 person

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