Real Messy Life

It’s been a bit quiet round here, I’ve been severely lacking in energy and motivation for anything – so what little I have had has been saved for getting myself out of bed and to Uni, and doing assignments. I’d been thinking to myself I should just wait til I had time to write a proper post, about one of the ideas on my list of Blog Post Ideas, but I’ve always tried to keep this blog real, to show what it’s really like learning to live again after IVF, not just profound, wise posts that offer advice or learnings. So that means I need to share the messy real life…..and to be honest it’s all just f’cking hard at the moment. Motivation & energy levels are still really low (and now to make things even better I have a nasty cold too #woeisme), there are triggers everywhere (favourite TV show had a stillbirth & ended with a pregnancy announcement last night…resulting in me becoming a soggy puddle on the couch!). It’s hard to make plans for the future, when all your dreams have been dashed, when nothing really excites you. We’re both really struggling, which adds another level of difficulty to it all too – how do you support each other, and your marriage, when you can barely get through each day? Seeing the pain in his eyes, as he voices his bewilderment about feeling so low is really tough, I just want to make it all better, but I don’t know how to fix this.

It’s all so f’cking unfair. They say going through things like this makes you stronger….well I’d like to know where it is, as it’d be nice to have a bit more strength than just what’s required to get out of bed in the morning!

So that’s the raw messy truth of how I’m doing, let me ask – how are you doing today?


10 thoughts on “Real Messy Life

  1. The truth is that there is no fix.
    What there is instead is reframing… learning to live your life another way, with different goals. That’s the bloody difficult thing to grasp on to when life hasn’t panned out like you thought it would.
    Big empathising hugs from me. Sorry it’s so shitty at the moment, you are walking amongst friends here xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I had a trigger experience yesterday as well, at the most predictable place of course – the grocery store with the mom with the two cute little boys who were talking to me in line which wasn’t a big issue until she turned around and I saw a baby strapped to her as well and just wanted to say “well aren’t you fucking lucky”. Instead I smiled and grabbed three chocolate chip cookies. Oy. I will say today is better as I’m sitting inside eating my oatmeal for breakfast and watching our four ducks waddle around in the rain and try to figure out how to jump into the nearly empty raised beds to eat more bugs.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. It’s crap isn’t it. All I can say is to be kind to yourself. If you need a few weeks of doing nothing, sitting on the sofa, trying to get some energy levels back, then do it and don’t feel guilty. You can’t be expected to deal with infertility, keep up at uni and do everything else in life, something has to slip. Take it easy, take care of yourself until you feel ready to pull yourself out of the fog (and you will eventually) and just nourish yourself back to health 💜 xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanks for writing about the real and the messy – it’s so important. This totally resonated with me: “It’s hard to make plans for the future when all your dreams have been dashed, when nothing really excites you.” So. True. Grieving a lost future tests even the best of us. I know telling you that the exhaustion is normal doesn’t help one bit because it’s so overpowering. But know you’re not alone in that.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m really late to this, but popping in to check on you. It really sucks. How do you support each other? When words were too hard (and that was a lot!), holding each other, or a simple touch, and saying “I love you” a lot. Some years later, I was talking with a business friend/colleague about the need to tell our partners how much they meant to us. (Business trips can lead to intense conversations). He asked me if we’d always done it, or when it started. “Losing babies made it important,” I said. And he nodded. He got it.

    Oh, and the strength? You realise that you have developed that some time later. In the meantime, be kind and loving to yourself too. That is very important.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I get trigggered lots too and I try to see it as an opportunity to grieve. But I’m so fucking sick of grieving. I get it. The loss is massive. It’s expected that you will feel sad. It’s really fucking sad. You can feel sad and shitty for as long as your body needs to to. And then you will rise again with even more strength than you had before and more passion to live. Love to you.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s