Essence

“Who are they to you? Do they have a name? What is the meaning of their name?”

We had little nicknames for our last 2 pregnancies, and I wish we had a nickname for our other ones too now, while we didn’t really share these names with others, we still refer to them with each other. We hadn’t ever allowed ourselves to choose names….we were keeping that fun for further into the pregnancies, though we talked through a few names we liked. And it was only the most recent loss that we even found out the sex, that one was a boy. Finding that out really changed things, made the loss more real and tangible and painful. I’ve seen some people talk about the loss of their baby inspiring them to live life fully etc, but from what I can tell, those people already have children or go on to have children – not saying that’s easier just different. For me, remembering my babies is remembering all my lost dreams and hopes.

I don’t have a strong spiritual or religious belief system, or even really a belief in what happens after death, so don’t really think of them in heaven or watching over me etc, but occasionally I’ll see a monarch butterfly and wonder if it’s one of them visiting.

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One thought on “Essence

  1. I love the butterfly imagery…we are similar in our beliefs as well so all that “angel baby” stuff doesn’t fly, but every life comes from the earth in one way or another. As the world doesn’t want us to consider ourselves mothers unless the baby was born alive, there’s so much pressure to not name the little one growing inside and so for me it almost felt like an act of defiance to say it out loud, to name and even to refer to it’s beating heart as my baby, as when the loss occurs we are told to forget, that it’s not a big deal, and even worse, that it’s “a good thing”.

    Liked by 1 person

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