Dear Baby

/ slidingdoorsnz

{CW: Miscarriage}

A year ago I was pregnant. A year ago I wrote another entry in my journal to the baby I was carrying. I’ve decided I’ll share that entry with you here. I think it helps show, that no matter how early someone miscarries, that baby was real and loved.

Dear Baby,

5 weeks yesterday 🙂 Another week achieved. On Friday I figured you must be growing lots as I kept getting really really hungry. Then over the weekend I started really worrying about you. The few pregnancy symptoms I had (super smell, nausea & tiredness, oh and aches) seemed to disappear, which scared me! Made it hard for me to concentrate on studying thats for sure. I’ve had a bit of nausea today again, but the worry wobbles are still in full force 😦 tho I read in a pregnancy brochure today that most miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities – and we know from testing that your chromosomes are normal, so surely you’re ok!

I keep trying to daydream about you to get rid of the worries – I wonder if you’ll have curly hair like your Daddy, or if you’ll get blonde hair since we both have siblings with blonde hair. I wonder if you’ll have my blue eyes or your Daddy’s hazel eyes. I sure hope you get your Daddy’s eyesight rather than min!

Waiting for Thursday when I get another blood test to check you’re doing what you should! And by then, your Daddy will be home and he’ll help me worry less.

Daddy sends you a hug too.
Lots of Love,
Mummy xo

10 thoughts on “Dear Baby”

  1. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my miscarriage at home. While I hadn’t written a letter to my baby by 9 weeks, we had just picked out our Doula and bought a baby book where we had started writing in it how we met and all the things our kiddo would get a kick out of knowing. Even at 9 weeks with symptoms I was still in awe that it was happening for us finally after so many fails. Even when we saw his heartbeat, it was still so amazing. And then a couple weeks later he was gone. How is it that you and I don’t have babies at home right now? Why is it after all this we are writing about loss when so many who were struggling alongside us finally got their dream?

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  2. I’m so sorry. Life can be so shitty. I’ve written to my baby even though I’ve never been pregnant. Writing about how her auntie is extra special for helping create them by donating eggs and how much we love them even before they exist. I know it’s not the same as what you went through but I very much understand that you can love someone you’ve never met. Thanks for sharing your diary.

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    • I read an article once about when life starts, and they said when it comes to TTC it’s about when personhood starts, because it’s about when they become a ‘someone’ to us, which means for some people personhood starts at the time someone imagines becoming a parent, or for others it might not be til months into a pregnancy. A long way to say a loss is a loss. Xo

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